perfection.nothing less

Perfection is our goal, excellence will be tolerated.;D
Depression is not a sign of weakness, it is just a sign that we have been strong for too long. ^0^
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Yes. I know. Common.

Decisions / Monday, December 19, 2011 @ 1:15 AM

Many people I know don't have happy families, they want to leave the house as soon as they're 18, as soon as they're old enough to support themselves. I once felt like that as well..
Everything was falling apart, there's no point in staying on when it has reached this stage. All those I knew all longed to get out, because they were never given that choice to leave. At this age, many think of freedom as something, indescribable, a pure longing, that they feel will never be given to them, at least not yet. I thought of moving out as freedom, as a break from them. On school days it was fine, I only saw them at night and on weekends, their presence wasn't such a bad thing afterall, until we started fighting. But even then, it would last for less than 10 minutes, because all of us had work to do, no one wanted to waste time on trivia things. It was the holidays that were the killers..
I hate to admit, that I've grown so accustomed to being alone at home, just being like there was no one around me, no one alive. It was the only time I felt happy. During the holidays, unlike others, I'm not alone, for once. And that just throws me off. I hate to admit it, but I find the existence of any human being in a 50m radius a hindrance. I don't hate the person. I just want to be alone.
We've been fighting for many years now. The only 2 major fights we've had all happened this year, both times I've threatened to move out for good, the first time I moved out for about a month, and well the second time is now.
Many of those I know unhappy with their families would have jumped at an opportunity to move out, especially when your parents are supportive, it kills them, but they just want you to be happy. Sometimes, I think maybe it would be better if you had never been given that choice. Straight after the fight, or even in the middle of the fight, your immediate answer would be I don't care how, I'll move out now. Then when you sit down and think about it, you question why you're doing this.
I don't hate my family. I don't hate my parents. At least I hope I don't. He can be really really temperamental, and its difficult to accept, because you want to understand, but there's almost no way. If I move, it'll be because of him. I need time alone, but moving out forever may just be a wrong move. Recalling why I even moved back in the first place. Sure, for one it was because of the sudden disconnection in internet, but on the other hand, I missed them.
I haven't been the closest to them all my life, but there was just this longing to move back. Maybe why I want to move is because I think I'd be more productive there..
Being alone just gives me a greater sense of security, time in which I can really think and reflect. Sometimes I think I reflect too much. It makes me depressed..
Well of course that kind of productivity comes with a price, but well my health has never really been much of my concern.
I really don't know what I should do, giving this decision would probably have been a big choice for my parents. They could either let me find out the real meaning of our relationship through this process, or lose me forever. Frankly I don't want to lose them either.
I just want the drama to stop,
telling him won't work,
that's asking him to change his nature,
maybe it's also my fault,
so me moving will make them happier,
but it's obvious they're reluctant to let me go,
he's trying to change,
its only when he's mad for no reason.
I really don't know what to do, but the next few nights aren't going to be easy.

Perfection is our goal, excellence will be tolerated.;D Depression is not a sign of weakness, it is just a sign that we have been strong for too long. ^0^ Use the letters above to navigate. Yes. I know. Common.
Profile Because no one can be similar Jlee Hikokomori class-3G3 '11 bdae-3/3 CGS AVA FTW ultimate sadist determined, sometimes to the extreme definitely has high expectations Acousticophobia- Fear of noise Atelophobia- Fear of imperfection. Atychiphobia- Fear of failure Ligyrophobia- Fear of loud noises. Soteriophobia - Fear of dependence on others. -I live,sleep,talk- [magic] [music] :)do piano, guitar,drums
Decisions / Monday, December 19, 2011 @ 1:15 AM Many people I know don't have happy families, they want to leave the house as soon as they're 18, as soon as they're old enough to support themselves. I once felt like that as well.. Everything was falling apart, there's no point in staying on when it has reached this stage. All those I knew all longed to get out, because they were never given that choice to leave. At this age, many think of freedom as something, indescribable, a pure longing, that they feel will never be given to them, at least not yet. I thought of moving out as freedom, as a break from them. On school days it was fine, I only saw them at night and on weekends, their presence wasn't such a bad thing afterall, until we started fighting. But even then, it would last for less than 10 minutes, because all of us had work to do, no one wanted to waste time on trivia things. It was the holidays that were the killers.. I hate to admit, that I've grown so accustomed to being alone at home, just being like there was no one around me, no one alive. It was the only time I felt happy. During the holidays, unlike others, I'm not alone, for once. And that just throws me off. I hate to admit it, but I find the existence of any human being in a 50m radius a hindrance. I don't hate the person. I just want to be alone. We've been fighting for many years now. The only 2 major fights we've had all happened this year, both times I've threatened to move out for good, the first time I moved out for about a month, and well the second time is now. Many of those I know unhappy with their families would have jumped at an opportunity to move out, especially when your parents are supportive, it kills them, but they just want you to be happy. Sometimes, I think maybe it would be better if you had never been given that choice. Straight after the fight, or even in the middle of the fight, your immediate answer would be I don't care how, I'll move out now. Then when you sit down and think about it, you question why you're doing this. I don't hate my family. I don't hate my parents. At least I hope I don't. He can be really really temperamental, and its difficult to accept, because you want to understand, but there's almost no way. If I move, it'll be because of him. I need time alone, but moving out forever may just be a wrong move. Recalling why I even moved back in the first place. Sure, for one it was because of the sudden disconnection in internet, but on the other hand, I missed them. I haven't been the closest to them all my life, but there was just this longing to move back. Maybe why I want to move is because I think I'd be more productive there.. Being alone just gives me a greater sense of security, time in which I can really think and reflect. Sometimes I think I reflect too much. It makes me depressed.. Well of course that kind of productivity comes with a price, but well my health has never really been much of my concern. I really don't know what I should do, giving this decision would probably have been a big choice for my parents. They could either let me find out the real meaning of our relationship through this process, or lose me forever. Frankly I don't want to lose them either. I just want the drama to stop, telling him won't work, that's asking him to change his nature, maybe it's also my fault, so me moving will make them happier, but it's obvious they're reluctant to let me go, he's trying to change, its only when he's mad for no reason. I really don't know what to do, but the next few nights aren't going to be easy.
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